Freitag, 2. September 2011
Sex, Love, and Muammar Gadaffi
whoever you are. Its still very mysterious to me, who reads my blog. So it should be just that much more ironic, for me to share some very personal stories with you.
I recently hurt a girl who I care very much about. We had been not-together for about a year. She wanted me to commit to a "real" relationship, but I wouldn't do it. I felt that would be lying. So I would just tell her, YES I like being around you and spending time with you. YES you turn me on and I enjoy the naughty naughty. no, the feelings just arent there for me to promise anything. I told her that I considered myself single, and would act that way as well, I HAD to do that because thats what I felt was being honest with myself, and honest with her, and we agreed on several occasions to stop seeing eachother, for her own protection. Then she would invite me out, or over, and I could see no reason to say no. Thats how things went for quite some time, and it was one of those situations where you think to yourself, why DON'T I fall in love with her? Whats the problem here? Yet it just doesn't happen.
Anyway, she convinced herself that we were in love and that I just couldn't admit that to myself. Then my roomate accidentally commented about how I hadn't been sleeping at home much lately (he assumed I was at her place) and so she asked me, "are you sleeping with other people?" and I said "yes". I don't think she's going to invite me over again for a while.
I should be the Asshole now and not care. But I do care, and I don't want her to be hurt or sad. Unfortunately the only thing I could do to make her feel better would be to Lie. Will the truth prevail, and let her be comforted? Will the fact that I have been honest with her the entire time help her come to peace with the situation? I hope so.
In the meantime, I've had a wonderful love affair. Not the one that caused my roomates confusion, but a brand new one which started the same evening of the morning when I had to admit to my permiscuity. Two years ago I met a Hummingbird, and she mused me into a mudpuddle by being everything I love and cannot stand. Since then I facebookstalked her a couple times a year and otherwise we haven't had any contact. That happens, right? She had a boyfriend. I can deal.
Then, she appeared again out of nowhere. My neighbors brought her back from singapore and as I was standing there, talking to a friend about my mornings tragedy, she came like a beam of light to twist my mind around and throw my heart up into the air. Literally, just as my friend had begun to tell about HIS recent breakup, she walked up to me out of nowhere and said, Hi Dan! and gave me a hug. I had no idea who she was because it was so dark I couln't see her face. In a brief hallway embrace just a few minutes later we both admitted our secret desire for the other and made getaway plans to be alone for the rest of the evening. We spent the next 12 hours together. And another 10 hours the next evening.
Totally unfair, right?
My friend just broke up with his girlfriend, and didn't even get the chance to finish telling me about it. I just broke a girls heart. Another friend of mine came by with something heavy on his mind, but I had epoxy hardening and needed to keep working. My roomate just got arrested for stealing a paddleboat. Muammar Gadaffi's dreams of a united anything have been dashed. And here I am knootching around with my muse as if pain and suffering have gone out of style. Hm.